“I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth!” (Psalm 121:1-2, NLT)
Having alone time with just you and your thoughts can be dangerous, if you’re there too long. I spent several years stuck in a dark head space because of a low self-image. No one abused me to get me there. It was me talking myself into such loathsome and disgusted feelings. This darkness I was in didn’t manifest overnight. It took several years of inner discussion. And if my own self-destructive thoughts weren’t enough, as is the natural way of the demons, they exploited my weakness and added their highly effective and masterful oppressive details to my thinking.
Can any of you relate? What was the source of your self-loathing? I pray you are thinking about a “was” rather than an “is”. As I mentioned above, the source for me was how I had come to base my self-worth, my beauty, and my value, on my body image. I had my first three children 16 and 15 months apart. I had put on a lot of weight with each baby and didn’t make it a priority in between pregnancies to lose weight and keep fit. So, the weight would just keep piling on, kind of like a snowball that is rolled in the snow over and over. Before I knew it, this 5′ 2 1/2″ frame was in the mid 200s on the scale. What can I say? I enjoy food! I make no apologies for that. There are some delicious meals out there that are enjoyable to most of us! What I didn’t know, however, was that food was becoming an idol in my life. What do I mean by “idol’? Well, when I was down, I’d grab food to lift me up. When I was stressed, I’d go to food to calm my nerves. When I was happy, I’d celebrate by eating a tasty treat. When I was watching TV, I’d feel the need to have a snack. When I was bored, eating was an easy filler of my time and a non-physical way of bringing pleasure. I wasn’t monitoring calories, I wasn’t using caution about what types of food I was eating, I wasn’t thinking about the long-term consequences at all–at least not at first.
The whole time I was growing in size I was aware, and I certainly didn’t like the way I looked, especially while living in a society that constantly reminds us (women mostly), how success and desirability, attractiveness and worth, are heavily based on outward appearance. I felt discriminated against, I was made fun of verbally on occasion, and I realized (with much embarrassment) that I was unable to participate in certain activities because I was too heavy. Eventually, I got to a place where I hated the way I looked so much that I would avoid looking at myself in mirrors, I would stress out at the thought of going to a social event, feeling like I’d be the fattest one there. I convinced myself that my husband couldn’t possibly be attracted to me at this weight (by the way, he NEVER made me feel that way). I could hardly stand to see myself in pictures, I felt like I had to try so hard to act okay in front of friends and family, especially my children, while inside I was squirming and just wanted to run away. My dark thoughts started affecting all my relationships way more than I saw at the time. I had thoughts running through my head about how everyone would be better off without me–although I wouldn’t call myself full on suicidal. My husband and I would argue, mostly because I became paranoid that he didn’t desire me anymore and I would accuse him wrongly of looking at other women or wanting something in a woman that I wasn’t. Again, he has never had an issue with porn or with lusting after other women. All those accusatory thoughts towards him were a direct result of me convincing myself (the demons too, I’m certain), that I was disgusting and worthless.
It all came to a head when one night, at my parents’ house. We were arguing late into the early morning hours, and I just refused to believe that my husband still loved me. We were going round and round and round because I just wouldn’t quit, it was brutal and still makes me cringe when I think of how I was acting. We were both exhausted and then he finally told me he was done. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had made it clear that he wasn’t going to divorce me, but he was tired of the false accusations, the destructive ways I would describe myself to him, the refusal to believe a word he was telling me about how he didn’t think of me like that and how of course he still loved me. I had driven myself, and finally him, to break point. It was ugly. But hearing those words, “I’m done”, was the slap in the face I needed to snap me back into seeing what I had been doing to myself and to others all that time.
It’s a shock isn’t it, when you finally see how far away from Good you’ve spiraled? How far away from truth and sanity you ended up, without even realizing it while it was happening? It’s humiliating, it’s cringe-worthy, but it’s also the BEST place to be in order for healing to begin. And boy, did I need much healing! Friends, you’ve got to know that just as it took a long time to get in that dark place, it also took a while to climb back out. Another embarrassing admittance is that all that time I was a follower of Jesus Christ, but I had been ignoring Him just like I had ignored my husband and my friends and family who tried to be encouraging. Remember the idol reference? I hadn’t been turning to Christ, my maker, my loving Father, the one in whom my true identity lies, at all! I hadn’t been staying faithful in the Word, the life-giving, promise-filled, source of Truth that could have and would have saved me from falling so deep into that hopeless dungeon in my mind! No, I kept turning back to the very thing that was the tool working hand in hand with my dark thoughts! It’s not that food is bad. Good foods of all kinds are a gift from God. But, as with anything, if it becomes more significant in your life than it was meant to be, or an idol, it becomes the thing you think about the most, the thing you love the most, the thing you live for the most, and the thing that controls you! And for us Christ-followers especially, if something in our lives is taking the place of God/Jesus, then friend, deal with it! I promise, it will only lead to destruction!
Over time, years actually, and with the help of the Lord and His Word and some healthy eating and exercise habits, I was able to take off over 100 pounds. God helped me, there’s no other way so many years of deceitful thoughts and bad habitual thinking could have been overcome. Even to this day I am tempted to turn to food, and I have. My weight still fluctuates, but I’m not the person I was in those years, and I refuse to go back! I recognize earlier on the lies in my head and I take them captive and hand them over to Jesus! I also am more confident in who I am in Christ and in seeing my identity in Him rather than in the world around me. Oh, had I only run to Him earlier on I wouldn’t have wasted so much time in darkness and depression! Had I only looked up instead of inward for help! But thanks be to God who will use anything, good or bad, in our lives if we only run back to Him! He is the fixer, the healer, the only one who can use me to do things that in myself and my own strength and abilities would be impossible!
I hope my story helps even one of you out there. Sin is our faithful companion as long as we are living on this earth, therefore dark and self-destructive thoughts will be knocking at the doors and windows of our minds constantly. Be careful when you’re in there. Be mindful of what or of who you are turning to when you need help, be intentional about what you are letting into your head space. I can’t think of a more encouraging set of verses to end with than these out of Philippians 4:6-8 — “
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Feel free to share your struggles or stories in the comments. We need to help each other.
H & Ks